Thursday, March 10, 2011

Spectruming Out By Myself

I have Asperger's syndrome, a high functioning form of autism. This has resulted in a sort of epic chaos in my life of insanely ridiculous events that seem to somehow have something to do with my crazed mental state, from getting hit by a rock in the head as a four year year old to having a barbell thrown at my head as a teenager, with everyone from gym teachers to principals screaming at the top of their longs at me in the interum.

For whatever weird stuff is going on in this brain of mine, it's resulted in me being quite dexterous with words. The words simply pop off out of my mind from some sort of mental catalogue. I imagine that I may easily have been a rapper, and I partly love rap music because it's filled with people who seem to share this odd talent. I'm able to pick words out of my head that aren't regularly used in the common vernacular and then formulate them in a manner that makes sense, with no instruction on how to do it or formal training. I can't explain it.

One thing that is clear about Asperger's syndrome is that it makes me really happy to be alone. As much as I try to make it in the social world, it's exhausting and cumbersome at best. The strongest bonds seem to break and the bonds you're left with are ones you didn't expect to last.

Recent months have really reminded me of my love for being alone. I'm in my hometown of Seattle and finishing up an online course. I have money in the bank and am able to spend my time alone. It's amazing. I can go work out, walk or by groceries and listen to the radio and read comic books. I can work on my writing and keep the social world completely under my control.
It reminds me all very much of when I was a little kid. At only about eight or nine years old, I would walk to the local movie theater and watch films by myself. The process was easy enough and all the rules in doing so made sense. There were never any problems. It was only in school that problems arose, and likewise in the workplace.

I can imagine that Temple Grandin's work with animals provide a very similar vindication and great alone time for her, and I envy her for that. For all the bending over backwards that schools do to try to get kids with Asperger's situated in their messed up system, some means of just having them left alone - from screaming teachers and bullying students - is really what is simply wanted. Of course, that is probably too simple for this world, but I can dream.

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